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Part 129 - Jokes , Fun , Haasya , Humor , Quotes , Greetings

Iss saal vacation ka kya plan hai???

Banta: kuch khaas nahi, pichle saal Europe nahi gaye the........

Iss saal America nahi jayenge!!
😠😃😜😁😂🤣

*********

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?
Part 129 - Jokes , Fun , Haasya , Humor , Quotes , Greetings
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there. Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.

*********

_*No father has ever explained the importance of Studies in such a awesome way to his son*_ -😁

 _With every wrong answer that you write in your exam paper, your future honeymoon shifts from Switzerland  to Thailand to Goa to Ooty to Mysore to Hotel Annapoorna or relative's house or under the ceiling fan at your/wife's house_.

😂😂😂😂

*********

एक आदमी कॉकरोच को मार रहा था।
मरने से पहले कॉकरोच ने
आदमी से आखिरी बार बोला...
.
.
.
.
'मार दे मुझे! डरपोक कहीं के!
तू मुझसे इसलिए चिढ़ता है
क्योंकि तेरी बीवी मुझसे
डरती है, तुझसे नहीं।'😛😛😛

*********

पती पत्नी के बीच लड़ाई हुई...
.
पत्नी बाजार जाके जहर लाई और खा लिया....
..
लेकिन वो मरी नही बिमार हो गई..

पति गुस्से से बोला...
.
.
.
.
सौ बार कहा है चीजें देख कर खरीदा करो,
पैसे भी गये, काम भी नही हुआ।
😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

*********

एक आदमी खड़े-खड़े चाबी से अपना कान खुजा रहा था। 

दूसरा व्यक्ति उसे गौर से देखते हुए बोला- 

भाई साहब, आप स्टार्ट नही हो रहे...
तो धक्का लगाऊं ?
👆😛😂😛😂😛😂😛😂😛

*********

शरारती पप्पू...
.
पप्पू कूलर शोरुम वाले से:- भईया उषा का कूलर है....?
शोरुम वाला:- हाँ है......
पप्पू :- दे दो वो मंगा रही है...😜😜😂😂

*********

पत्नि मायके से वापिस आयी ...... 😊 😊
पति दरवाजा खोलते हुये जोर जोर से हसने लगा😂😂😂
पत्नि,,, ऐसे क्यो हसं रहे हो .....?? 😯,,!!!!
पति--- गुरूजी ने कहा था कि जब भी मुसीबत सामने आये उसका सामना हंसते हुए करो
😮😮😜😜😜

*********

Superb shayari 👍

Mili thi Zindagi Allah ko raazi karne ke liye...,

Par waqt beet raha hai kagaz ke tukde kamane k liye...,

kya karoge itna paisa kamakar...?

Na kafan me jeb hai, na Qabar may Almari...,

aur ye maut ke Farishtey to rishwat bhi nahi lete...

*********

*💐A Great Meaning for Everything in LIFE- "Jo Apna Hai Wo Kahi Jayega Nahi, Aur Jo Chala Gaya. Wo Kabhi Apna Tha Hi Nahi..!"*
💦💧💦💧💦🔹💦💧💦💧💦
*🌹No matter which stage of life you are at. 
If you are in love, it will keep you young and energetic.*
💦💧💦💧💦🔹💦💧💦💧💦
*🌷Kuch Log Jab Rote Hain To Isiliye Nahi Ke Wo Kamzor Hote Hain, Balke isiliye Kyun  Ki Wo Mazboot Rehte Rehte Thak Jaate Hain..!*
💦💧💦💧💦🔹💦💧💦💧💦
*🌺A beautiful quote: "Do not worry if others do not understand u". "Worry only if u can't understand urself". Live in ur passion & Love ur Life!*
💦💧💦💧💦🔹💦💧💦💧💦

*********

*सन्डे को पति अगर देर तक सोया रहे तो..*

बीवी : “अब उठ
भी जाओ ! तुम्हारे जैसा
भी कोई है क्या ?
छुट्टी है तो इसका मतलब
यह नहीं कि सोते
ही रहोगे।”
😐😐😐😐😐

2. *सन्डे को पति अगर जल्दी उठ जाये तो..*

बीवी: “पिछले
जन्म में मुर्गे थे क्या ? एक दिन तो चैन से सोने को मिलता है, उसमें भी
ठीक 5:30 बजे उठ कर
कुकडू-कू करने लगते हो। इतना जल्दी उठकर क्या पहाड़ तोड़ लाओगे ?”
😟😟😟😟😟😟

3. *सन्डे को पति अगर घर पे ही रहे तो..*

बीवी: “कुछ काम
भी कर लिया करो। हफ्ते भर
बाट देखते है तुम्हारे सन्डे
की, उसे भी तुम
केवल नहाने धोने में ही लगा
देते हो।”
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

4. *सन्डे को पति अगर घर से देर तक बाहर रहे तो..*

बीवी : “कहाँ थे
तुम आज पूरा दिन ? आज सन्डे है,
कभी मुँह से भगवान का नाम
भी ले लिया करो।”
😇😇😇😇😇

5. *”सन्डे को पति अगर पूजा करे तो…”*

बीवी : “ये घन्टी बजाते रहने से कुछ नहीं होने वाला। अगर ऐसा होता तो इस दुनिया के रईसों में टाटा या बिल
गेट्स का नाम नहीं होता
बल्कि किसी पुजारी
का नाम होता।”
😞😞😞😞😞

6. *अगर टाटा या बिल गेट्स जैसा बनने के लिए पति दिन रात मेहनत करे तो..*

बीवी : “हर वक़्त
काम, काम काम…. तुम्हें अपने ऑफिस के
ही सात फेरे ले लेने चाहिए
थे। हम क्या यहाँ पर बंधुआ मजदूर है
जो सारा दिन काम करें और शाम को तुम्हारा
इंतज़ार करें ?”
😟😟😟😟😟😟

7. *पति अगर पत्नी को घुमाने के लिए ले जाए तो….*

बीवी : “हमारे बीच वाले जीजा
जी तो दीदी को हर
महीने घुमाने ले जाते हैं और
वो भी स्विट्ज़रलैंड और
दार्जिलिंग जैसी जगहों पर।
तुम्हारी तरह *हरिद्वार”*
नहाने नहीं जाते।
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
8. *पति अगर अपनी*
*ऐसी तैसी करा कर नैनीताल,* *मसूरी, गोवा, माउन्ट आबू, ऊटी जैसी जगहों पर घुमाने ले भी जाए तो..*

बीवी : “अपना घर
ही सबसे अच्छा है। बेकार
ही पैसे लुटाते फिरते है। इधर
उधर बंजारों की तरह घूमते
फिरो। क्या रखा है घूमने में ? इतने पैसे से,
अगर घर पर ही रहते तो पूरे
2 साल के लिए कपड़े खरीद
सकते थे।”
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

*धन्य हैं बीवी वाले, बेचारे*

😜😜😜😜😜😜

*********

When appraisal are near. 

Ek Manger telescope se aasmaan dekh raha tha. Aasman se ek tara toota, tabhi paas khada employee  chillaya- Wah boss kya nishana lagaya hai.😂😂😂😂

*********

*💐Don't trust people whose feelings change with time. Trust people whose feelings remain the same, even when the time changes*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🌹The Problem With Nice People Is
That They Will Not Tell U When They Are Hurt
They Will Wait For U To Realize Ur Mistake..!*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🍀Yakin ek tubelight ki tarah hota hai.
Der se jalta hai lekin jab jalta hai Toh full light kar deta hai.*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🌷God created mornings 
so that we can say how great the previous day has been and how wonderful the next 24 hours would be!*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂

*********

A woman and a man were involved in car accident.

It was a  bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars were badly damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of ... cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." 

Then she handed the bottle over to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
(drunk driver's offence)

Adam ate the apple again !

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

Men will NEVER learn !

Women will Never change!!!

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

*********

A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.

The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

He could not control his curiosity and asked,

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?😕"

She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote."

*Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.....*🙍

The story continues....😏

The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.

Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.

He said, "your husband has blocked your credit card.........."😲

*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*😒

Story continues....

Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.

*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*

Story continues...

After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.......

*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*

Story continues....

She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.

It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.

She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.

She bought her items and returned home happily.

*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*😷

Story continues....

On getting home, his car was gone.😈

A note was pasted on the door

"Couldn't find the remote. Going out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home quite late. Call me on my phone if you need something".😇

Damn... He left with the house key too.

😂

*Moral: Don't try to control your husband.
You will always lose😯

*********

*🌹When U Learn To Translate Every Event Of Ur Life Into A Positive One. U Will Stop Being A Prisoner Of Ur Past And Become A Designer Of Ur Future...!*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂🔹⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*💐Diamond wahi jiski chamak pr kabhi doubt na ho. Waqt wahi jise kisi ka intezar na ho. Dosti wahi jo kisi anjam ki mohtaaj na ho.*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂🔹⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
🌷"Two simple lines": Don't make any *close relation* without full understanding ! And *Don't break* any close relation with *small* misunderstanding !
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂🔹⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🌺Life is very short so break silly rules. Forgive quickly Believe slowly. 
Love truly Laugh loudly. Never avoid anything that makes you smile.*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂🔹⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂

*********

*World's Shortest Joke Posted

*Doctor*  :  ​How is your headache  ???​
 
*Man*   :   ​"She is fine."

*********

The rain was pouring down in Calangute, And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was old Savio Uncle, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gentleman says, "Come  out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth" says the old Goan man.😂

*********

💐Short lines with a million dollar meaning :- *The life that you are living now* , *Is also a DREAM of MILLIONS* .
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
🌹Perfect words for *strong relationship* : If you don't know.. *Ask.*  If you don't agree.. *Discuss* .  You don't like it.. *Say it politely*..But, *don't* start *judging* silently.
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🌷If we look at what we have in life, we will always have more. If we look at what we don’t have in life, we will never have enough.*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🌺Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.*  - Carl Sandburg
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂

*********

A Sindhi went to a dentist for tooth extraction and first enquired about cost.  Dentist said 1200 , the Sindhi thought it was too much.

After some thought, he asked about cheaper methods.

The dentist said, Yes, it can be done without anesthesia and will cost only Rs.300, but it would  be very very painful.

Sindhi said OK Dr, do it without anesthesia.

The dentist removed the tooth without anesthesia  and during the entire procedure the Sindhi sat  quietly, even smiling a little.

The dentist was not only surprised, but was quite impressed and said 
I have never seen such a brave patient like you. I don't even want my fees, instead, take this Rs.500 as a reward, you've taught me such a powerful lesson today about mastering one's pain and feelings !!!

In the evening he met his fellow dentists and told everyone about his amazing Sindhi patient.

Out of all doctors, one doctor jumped up and shouted 😤 that Sindhi first came to me, I gave him anesthesia and asked him to wait outside for half an hour ! After half an hour when I called him he had left !!!!

😂🤑🤣😛😝😜🤣🤑😂

*********

*Never make  women cry...*
There is nothing more expensive than a female tear💧 When a single drop  comes out, it first mixes with 'Loreal' eyeliner (Rs.650)&👀 'Dior' mascara (Rs.2500)...😝Then when it rolls down the cheek,😥 it mixes with 'D&G' blusher (Rs.2500)...😱 😊& finally when it touches the lips,👄 it gets mixed with 'Maybelline' lipstick (Rs.850)...💄 This means that a single drop is ruining  Rs.6000.....
Pls don't make them cry....😂😈😄 *Issued in public interest*

*********

*🌹Happiness depends on what you can give, Not on what you can get.  - Swami Chinmayananda*
💦💧💦💧💦💧✴💦💧💦💧💦
*🌺No matter how good you get you can always get better and that’s the exciting part..- Steve Jobs*
💦💧💦💧💦💧✴💦💧💦💧💦
*💐Your tongue is in a wet place, take care it doesn't slip. -- Teri Nutton*
💦💧💦💧💦💧✴💦💧💦💧💦
*🌷This morning will never ever come back in your life again. Get up and make the most of it.*
💦💧💦💧💦💧✴💦💧💦💧💦

*********

The Japanese are obsessed with quality and safety.

A safety warning notice for female workers in a Japanese factory reads as follows:

*If your skirt is long,*
*stay away from the Engines.*
*And If it is short,*
*stay away from the Engineers.*

😜😜😂😂

*********

*🌹When We grow from childhood to adult, the Pencil Is Replaced With A Pen. Just To Make Us Realize Now It's Difficult To Erase Our mistakes!*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🌷अच्छे के साथ अच्छे बनें, पर  बुरे के  साथ बुरे नहीं। क्योंकि हीरे से हीरा तो तराशा जा सकता है लेकिन कीचड़ से कीचड़  साफ  नहीं किया जा सकता ।*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🍀A tasty philosophy of life, Don't worry too much about the Sugar in the blood, Worry about Spice on the Tongue & Salt in the Heart…*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂
*🍒ये दुनियाँ ठीक वैसी है जैसी आप इसे देखना पसन्द करते हैं.  यहाँ पर किसी को गुलाब में काँटे नजर आते हैं तो किसी को काँटों में गुलाब|*
⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂⚬⛂⛀⛂⛀⛂

*********

कमरे का दरवाजा खोला तो बरामदे पर एक बूढ़ी औरत सो रही थी।

खटपट से उसकी आंख खुल गई। चोर ने घबरा कर देखा तो वह लेटे लेटे बोली....

'' बेटा, तुम देखने से किसी अच्छे घर के लगते हो, लगता है किसी परेशानी से मजबूर होकर इस रास्ते पर लग गए हो।  चलो ....कोई बात नहीं। अलमारी के तीसरे बक्से में एक तिजोरी है। इसमें का सारा माल तुम चुपचाप ले जाना। 

मगर पहले मेरे पास आकर बैठो, मैंने अभी-अभी एक ख्वाब देखा है । वह सुनकर जरा मुझे इसका मतलब तो बता दो।"

चोर उस बूढ़ी औरत की रहमदिली से बड़ा अभिभूत हुआ और चुपचाप उसके पास जाकर बैठ गया। 

बुढ़िया ने अपना सपना सुनाना शुरु किया...
 ''बेटा, मैंने देखा कि मैं एक रेगिस्तान में खो गइ हूँ। ऐसे में एक चील मेरे पास आई और उसने 3 बार जोर जोर
से बोला अभिलाष!  अभिलाष!  अभिलाष !!!

बस फिर ख्वाब खत्म हो गया और मेरी आंख खुल गई। 
..जरा बताओ तो इसका क्या मतलब हुई? ''

चोर सोच में पड़ गया। 

इतने में बराबर वाले कमरे से बुढ़िया का नौजवान बेटा अभिलाष अपना नाम ज़ोर ज़ोर से सुनकर उठ गया और अंदर आकर चोर की जमकर धुनाई कर दी।

 बुढ़िया बोली ''बस करो अब यह अपने किए की सजा भुगत चुका।"

 चोर बोला, "नहीं- नहीं ! मुझे और कूटो , सालों!....

ताकि मुझे आगे याद रहे कि...
... मैं चोर हूँ , सपनों का सौदागर  नहीं। '' 
😖😖😩😩

👉Moral -  Don't get emotional, Be Professional in ur work..

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