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SMS Jokes , quotes , funny texts - page1

Be Happy, keep smiling and Share the joy with others !!

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Joke : MP sir

SMS Jokes , funny text shares , Humour , Witty quotes , Greetings - Part 1Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir.
Officer : Tell Me Properly.
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir.
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir.
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir.
Officer : Your Native Place ?
Candidate : M P. Sir.
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir.
Officer : What Is Your Qualification ?
Candidate : M P. Sir.
Officer : (Angrily)😠What Is It ?
Candidate : Metric Pass Sir.
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir.
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir.
Officer : Describe Your Personality ?
Candidate : M P. Sir.
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly..
Candidate : Mindblowing Personality Sir.
Officer : This Discussion Is Now over, 😥You May Go
Now....
Candidate : M P. Sir.
Officer : huh..What Is It Now ??
Candidate : My Performance Sir.
Officer : M P.
Candidate : 😳What Is That Sir. ....??
Officer : Mentally Punctured.
Candidate: M P. Sir. 
Officer : 😯Now What Is Thissss ????
Candidate: My Pleasure Sir. 


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Joke : 

In our life, problems may go from "Haywards 2000" to "Haywards 5000" , but we must take them as a "Royal Challenge " otherwise people will call us "Old Monk" and put a "Black Label " on our name. So we must learn from "Teachers" to fight like "Jack Daniel" , live like a "Bagpiper" , walk like "Johny Walker" , work till "8 PM" & think like "Director Special"  . Then life will be "Imperial" & we will become "Aristocrat" & there will be value for our "Signature"

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Joke : Bride and Profit

Wife : Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and groom on the right ?
Husband : Have you ever seen a profit and loss statement ? It follows the same logic - All income is posted on the right and expenses on the left !!

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Story - Bank robbers

During a recent robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: 
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. 

This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!" 

This is called "Being Professional” 
Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got." 

The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" 

This is called "Experience” 
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: 
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide” 
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."  

This is called "Changing priority” 
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. 

The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!" 

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"


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Joke Intelligent Thimma

thimma : Give me one 10th class book please
Shopkeeper : Sorry sir , 10th class text books are not there
thimma : ok please give me 2 5th class books

Son : Dont connect mobile charger whole night.
Dad : Why ?
Son : Battery may get hot and blast
Dad : I know it , thats why i have removed the battery and kept the phone charging


Teacher : What is half of 8 ?
thimma : If its vertical then its 0 , if its  horizontal then its 3 !!


In a 100 meter race,
It was announced "1 2 3 start".
All started running except thimma.
Coach: Y r U still waiting?
thimma : Oye! I too know Nos. My no. is 4.


Doctor : You should exercise daily .
thimma : I play football , cricket , teniss sir ?
Doctor : Good , where do you play ?
thimma: In my mobile !!


Dad : What is the chemical formula for water?
Son : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
Dad : What are you talking about?
Son : You only told me its H2O.
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Joke - Love letter Professional manner !

Dearest Girl, 

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Monday, the 15th  of June . 

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 15th of june at 9.30 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility would be made permanent. 

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. 

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.

Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. 

I request you to kindly respond within 7 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be treated as cancelled  and I shall be considering some other girl. 

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister/friend, if you do not wish to take up this offer. 

Thanking you in anticipation. 


Yours sincerely,

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Story -  Chanakya's Triple filter test

In ancient India, One day a person met the great Chanakya,  and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Chanakya replied.
"Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Chanakya continued.
"Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.
That's why I call it the triple filter test.
The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Chanakya.
"So you don't know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Chankaya continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.
You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left, the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded chankaya, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

Use this triple filter each time you hear loose talk about any of your near and dear ones


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Joke -  Intelligent professor

1st yr MBBS students were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the table with real dead body. The professor started the class by telling them two important qualities as a doctor. The 1st is that never be disgusted about anything regarding the body e.g. he inserted his finger in the body's nose & on drawing back, put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it. Then he told the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's nose & tasted it. When everyone finished the professor looked at them & said :The most important 2nd quality is Observation. I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger. Now learn to pay attention

All students : shitttt !!
            
After d class they came to know that he was not professor he was an Engineer ...

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Joke - How to avoid bank calls !!!
I got a call from bank..they said..u pay us 6000 every month.. U will get 1 crore when u retire..

I replied--"U reverse d plan"
U give me 1 crore now.. And I will pay u 6000 every month till I die...

The banker cut d phone

Did I say anything wrong...

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Jokes - OLX nalli maari bidi
ಒಬ್ಬೊಬ್ಬರ ಹೆಂಡತಿಯರು ಹೇಗೇಗೆ ತಮ್ಮ ತಮ್ಮ ಗಂಡನ ಜೊತೆ ಜಗಳವಾಡುತ್ತಾರೆ ಗೊತ್ತಾ…!!
ಪೈಲೆಟ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಮೇಲೆ ಹಾರಬೇಡಿ 
ಟೀಚರ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ನನಗೆ ಪಾಠ ಕಲಿಸಬೇಡಿ
ಪೈಂಟರ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ನನಗೆ ಬಣ್ಣ ಹಚ್ಚಬೇಡಿ 
ದೋಬಿಯ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ವದರಬೇಡಿ 
ಆಕ್ಟರ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಸುಮ್ನೆ ನಾಟಕ ಆಡಬೇಡಿ
ಡೆಂಟಿಸ್ಟ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಮಾತನಾಡುದ್ರೆ ಹಲ್ಲು ಮುರಿದು ಹೋಗುತ್ತೆ
ಸಿ ಎ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಲೆಕ್ಕ ಮಾಡಿ ಮಾತಾಡಿ
ಇಂಜಿನಿಯರ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಎಲ್ಲಾ ಪಾರ್ಟ್ ಸಪರೇಟ್ ಆಗುತ್ತೆ
ಆರ್ಕಿಟೆಕ್ಟ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಸರಿಯಾಗಿ ಇದ್ದರೆ ಸರಿ ಇಲ್ಲದಿದ್ದರೆ ಮುಖದ ಡಿಸೈನ್ ಚೇಂಜ್ ಮಾಡಿ ಬಿಡ್ತಿನಿ.
ಲಾಯರ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ: 
ಹೆಚ್ಚು ವಾದ ಮಾಡಬೇಡಿ, ನೀವು ಹೇಳೋದನ್ನು ಕೇಳೋಕೆ ನಾನೇನೂ ನಿಮ್ಮ ಜಡ್ಜ್ ಅಲ್ಲ
ಡ್ರೈವರ್ ನ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ನಿಮ್ಮ ಮಾತಿಗೆ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಬ್ರೇಕ್ ಹಾಕಿ
ರಾಜಕಾರಣಿಗಳ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:
ಹೆಚ್ಚು ಆಶ್ವಾಸನೆ ಕೊಡಬೇಡಿ
ಹಂಗ್ ಇರಲಿ ಪರವಾಗಿಲ್ಲ
ಆದರೆ
ಮಾರ್ಕೆಟಿಂಗ್ ನವರ ಹೆಂಡತಿ:ಜಾಸ್ತಿ ಮಾತಾಡುದ್ರೆ OLX ನಲ್ಲಿ ಮಾರಿ ಬಿಡ್ತಿನಿ
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Joke : Bengaluru & Software engineer
A new poem launched...and in Books from 2015....
Jony Jony....Yes papa!!
Job in Bangalore ....Yes papa!! 
Lot of Tension....Yes papa!!
Too much Work....Yes papa!!
Family life....No papa!!
BP Sugar....High papa!!
Yearly Bonus....Joke papa!!
Annual Pay....Low papa!!
Personal Life....Lost papa!!
Promotion Incentive.... 
Ha !! Ha !! Ha !!

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Great lines by K V Ramachandran Nair:
"Change cannot be given to you every time. You must bring the change."

Who's K V Ramachandran Nair?
He is a bus conductor. Now read it again!!

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Joke - Don't overreact
In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly......
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary...
Man replied "5000 sir"
CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him...
"I pay people here to work and not to waste time, This is your 3 months salary.
Now get out of here. Never come back"
That guy left.............
Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?"
Workers replied "Pizza delivery Boy Sir"..
Moral: Don't overreact in every situation!

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Joke - Obama and Michelle
One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious.
When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private.
They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
After the conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “Why was he so interested in talking to you?"
She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.
President Obama then said, “So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant?"
Michelle responded, “No, if I had married him, he would now be the President.”
A WOMAN's CONFIDENCE NEVER COMES IN BITS and PIECES

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Story - Confident life

A Businessman was deep in debt and could not see any way  out.
Creditors and Suppliers were demanding payments. He sat in the park, deep in thought, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him and asked, "I can see that something is troubling you seriously".
After listening patiently the old man said, "I believe I can help you". He asked the man his name, wrote out a cheque and put it into his hands saying,
"Take this money, meet me here exactly one year from today... and you can pay me back at that time".
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The businessman saw in his hands a cheque for $ 500,000... signed by Warren Buffet, one of the richest men in the world.
"I can erase my worries instantly" he realized. But instead, the man decided to put the uncashed cheque in his safe, knowing that it might give him the strength to work out to save his business and to use this only in case of dire emergency.
With changed thinking he negotiated better deals, restructured his business and worked rigorously with full zeal and enthusiasm and got several big deals.
Within few months, he was out of debt and started making money once again.
Exactly one year later he returned to the park with the uncashed cheque.
As agreed, the old man appeared.
But just as the businessman was about to hand him back the cheque and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man. "I’m so glad I caught him" she cried. "I hope he hasn’t been bothering you much. He always escapes from the mental hospital and tells people that he is Warren Buffet", saying this she took the old man away.
The surprised man just stood there, stunned! All year long he had been dealing thinking that he had half a million dollars behind him...
Its not the money, real or imagined that turns our life around.
It is our Self-confidence that gives us the power to achieve anything and everything that we want.
Have a Confident life..!!


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SMS Joke - Husband and Wife
Husband - "U should learn to embrace your mistakes...."
Wife hugged him immediately !!
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SMS Joke - Husband and Wife
In a heated argument between the couple
Husband - "Don't let the animal in me come out!!"
Wife - "Who's afraid of a mouse !!!"
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SMS Joke - Philosopher quotes
Every wife is a 'Mistress' of her husband ...
"Miss" for first year & stress for the rest of life .....
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SMS Joke - Pappu and Dad
Pappu - Dad , I got selected for a role in a play for annual day !
Dad - What role are you playing ?
Pappu : A husband !!
Dad : Stupid !! ask for a role with dialogues !
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Generation gap
Father used to walk 20 minutes to save 20 Rs
Son spends 20Rs to save 20 minutes ... ( Surprisingly both are correct !! )
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SMS Joke - The librarian
A man goes to a librarian and asks for a book on suicide..
Librarian looks at him and says "Who will return the book ??"
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SMS Joke - Grandfather and Grand Son
Grandfather : Go hide ! your teacher is coming as you bunked school today !!
Grandson : You go hide ... I told her you passed away !!!
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SMS Joke - Mechanic and Doctor
A mechanic was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle .When he saw a famous heart surgeon at this shop , he said "Look at this engine .. I opened its heart, took the valves out repaired and put them back.So why do I get a small salary? an you get huge sums..!" The doctor smiled at the mechanic and came close to his ear and said .. "Try the same when the engine is running"
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SMS Joke - Wife and Girls
Once a man asked God - "Why all girls are so cute and sweet. And all wives are always angry" ?
God replied - "Girls are made by Me. And you make them wives.. "
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Fact of Life  - If everyone is happy with you then surely you have made many compromises in your life and if you are happy with everyone then surely you have ignored many faults of others
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Quote - No one can destroy an Iron, but its own rust can ! Likewise none can destroy a person but its own mindest can - Ratan Tata
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Quote - If everyone is happy with you , then you surely have made many compromises in your life. If your are happy with everyone then you have ignored many faults of others
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Story - Seven wonders of the world
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." 

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." 

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:
1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. 

The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!!

Thats why...
Live simply...
Walk humbly 
Love genuinely!!!
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