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SMS Jokes , funny text shares , Humour , Witty quotes , Greetings - Part 58

SMS Jokes , funny text shares , Humour , Witty quotes , Greetings - Part 58A private employee was rewarded a bicycle by his organisation. It was very beautiful but didn't have a carrier at the back, so he requested to get one fixed. 

When the cycle came back it had the carrier fitted, but he noticed that now the stand was not there.  So he asked about the missing stand. 

Organisation said: There is only one thing is possible in private job - either CAREEER or STAND.  If you take stand, your CAREER will be finished, and if you want to make a CAREER, never take a STAND. 

Dedicated to all private employees.

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All salary people must read this:-----

After 4 years of selfless service, I realized that I had not been prmoted, no salary increment, no commendation.
So I decided to walk up to my HR Manager. The manager looked at me, smiled and asked me to sit down saying: "My friend you have not worked here for even a single day."

I was shocked to hear this !!!, but the manager went on to explain, and here's the conversation that took place.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Me: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: Do u come to work on weekends?

Me: No sir.

Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Me: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If u remove 104 days from 366 days. how many days
do u now have?

Me: 262 days

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Me: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Me: 10am to 6pm 
(i.e 8 hours a day.)

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Me: 8/24 
i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 262 days?

Me: 87
(1/3 x 262 = 87days)

Manager: I do give u 2 weeks sick leave, 15 days casual leave, 5 days optional leave, 30 days earned leave every year. Now remove that 64 days from the 87 days left. How many days do u have remaining?

Me: 23 days.

Manager: Do u work on festivals ? (20 days)

Me: No Sir!

Manager: Do u work on Republic Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on Independance Day?

Me: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Me: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on New year's day..?

Me: No sir..!!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Me: None Sir!

Manager: So what r u claiming?

Me: I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing company
money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

(HR-HIGH RISK.)
.
.
.

So, How many days do you work ?😁😂
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Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed..
Happiness is a Spiritual Experience of living every minute with Love, Grace and Gratitude..


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ನಿಜಕ್ಕೂ ಇದೊಂದು ಅಪೂರ್ವ ಮೆಸೇಜ್.
Are you Hurt?

On his first day in office as President, when Abraham Lincoln entered to give his inaugural address, one man stood up. He was a rich Aristocrat. He said, “Mr. Lincoln, you should not forget that your father used to make shoes for my family.” And the whole Senate laughed; they thought they had made a fool of Lincoln.
But certain people are made of a totally different mettle. Lincoln looked at the man directly in the eye and said, “Sir, I know that my father used to make shoes for your family, and there will be many others here. Because he made shoes the way nobody else can, he was a creator. His shoes were not just shoes; he poured his whole soul into them. I want to ask you, have you any complaint? Because I know how to make shoes myself. If you have any complaint I can make you another pair of shoes. But as far as I know, nobody has ever complained about my father’s shoes. He was a genius, a great creator and I am proud of my father”.
The whole Senate was struck dumb. They could not understand what kind of man Abraham Lincoln was. He was proud because his father did his job so well that not even a single complaint had ever been heard.

Remember:
“No one can hurt you without your consent.”
“It is not what happens to us that hurts us. It is our response that hurts us. Be excellent at your work no matter what work you do, Happiness is always yours."
*********

🙋🏻🙋🏻🙋🏻 ಸ್ನೇಹಿತರೇ ಎಲ್ಲರಿಗೂ ಶುಭ ಮುಂಜಾನೆಯ ಶರಣು ಶರಣಾರ್ಥಿಗಳು.
💐¶ಸಾರ್ಥಕ ಮನುಷ್ಯನ ಒಂಬತ್ತು ಲಕ್ಷಣಗಳು¶ 💐
®ಆಸೆ, ಕೋಪ, ನಾಲಿಗೆ ಈ ಮೂರನ್ನು ಹತೋಟಿಯಲ್ಲಿಡು.
®ವ್ಯಾಪಾರ, ಪ್ರಯಾಣ, ಮದುವೆ ಈ ಮೂರಕ್ಕೆ ಆತುರಪಡಬೇಡ.
®ಬುದ್ದಿಶಕ್ತಿ, ಸಾಮರ್ಥ್ಯ, ಸಂತೋಷ ಈ ಮೂರಕ್ಕೆ ಬೆಲೆಕೊಡು.
® ಹಣ, ಸಮಯ, ಶಕ್ತಿ ಈ ಮೂರನ್ನು ವ್ಯರ್ಥ ಮಾಡಬೇಡ.
® ಧರ್ಮ, ನ್ಯಾಯ, ವಿನಯ ಈ ಮೂರಕ್ಕೆ ಗೌರವಕೊಡು.
® ದೇಶ,  ಗೌರವ, ರಾಷ್ರ್ಟಧ್ವಜ ಈ ಮೂರಕ್ಕೆ ಹೋರಾಡು.
® ಧೈರ್ಯ, ವಾತ್ಸಲ್ಯ, ಶಿಷ್ಟಾಚಾರ ಈ ಮೂರನ್ನು ಪ್ರೀತಿಸು.
® ಅನ್ಯಾಯ, ಅಹಂಕಾರ, ಸ್ವಾಮಿದ್ರೋಹ ಈ ಮೂರನ್ನು ದ್ವೇಷಿಸು.
® ಸಾವು, ದುಃಖ, ಸೋಲು ಈ ಮೂರಕ್ಕೆ ಸಿದ್ದನಾಗು.
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Inspiring (for some)

Mother is flying a kite. Her son is watching her carefully. After some time son says "mom. Because of the string the kite is not able to go any further higher."Hearing this, the mother smiles and breaks the string. The kite goes higher and then shortly after that, it comes and falls on the ground. The child is very dejected and sad.
The mother sits next to him and calmly explains: "Son, in life we reach a certain level and then we feel that there are certain things that are not letting us grow any further like Home, Family, Culture etc. We feel we want to be  free from those strings which we believe are stopping us from going higher. But, remember son."That our home , family and culture are the things that will help us stay stable at the high heights . If we try to break away from those strings our condition will be similar to the kite."we'll fall down soon..
Moral: "Never go away from home culture, family, and relationships as they help keep us stable while we are flying high."
Life is Beautiful 😊
Stay connected..!!
😃😃

*********

A beggar at the traffic signal:
"What sir, only Re.1... why this partiality sir? You gave my friend Rs.10 at the last traffic light".
Man in the car: "How did u know?"
Beggar: "He just sent me a whatsapp message with your car no. We are all members of the same group".
😜😜😜

*********
A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...

She reduced altitude &  shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.

Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.

Lady: You must be an engineer.

Man: How do you know?

Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost.

Engineer: You must be in Top Management.

Lady: Ya. How do you know?

Engineer: You don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!
😀😀
A must read n circulate for all working professionals...!

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“Cow is just an animal like a hen or goat... then why should one not kill and eat it?”

Cow is also an animal, but... a cow has many specialities that no other animal (not even human beings) has in this world. This is the reason that many people consider cow as ‘mother’ after their own mother, and pray to the cow with respect calling it “go-matha”.

These are some truths about go-matha.

·  If a cow eats something poisonous by mistake, and we drink its milk, will we fall ill? To find out, one cow was regularly fed a particular quantity of a poison every day. After 24 hours, its blood, urine, dung and milk were tested in a lab to check where the poison could be found. In this way, the tests were done not for 1 or 2 days, but continuously for 90 days in All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS) New Delhi. The researcher did not find any trace of poison in milk, blood, urine or dung of that cow.

Then where did this poison fed for 90 days go? Just like Lord Shiva held poison in his throat, the go-matha hid the entire poison in her throat. This is a special quality that no other animal has.

·  This is the only creature that inhales oxygen and also exhales oxygen.

· Cow milk has the quality of countering poison.

·  There are diseases that medical science has not yet understood; urine of Go-matha has the power to cure them

·  If cow-ghee and rice are cooked together, two powerful gases called ethylene-oxide, propylene-oxide are released. Propylene-oxide is the best gas used for creating artificial rain.

·  Cow-urine is the world’s best killer of microbes

·  With medicines made using cow dung and cow urine, stomach-related ailments can be cured.

·  We can save from radio-waves by plastering the home floors and area outside home with cow-dung

· Cow-dung has the power to destroy the microbes causing cholera

· If 10 grams of cow-ghee is put in fire (yagnya), 1 ton of oxygen is generated.

If you feel useful, pl share with your contacts.
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Don't feel horrible and gruesome by seeing 'jalli kattu'... there is one more dangerous game than this by name 'Thali kattu'...😜😜😜
ಹೆಂಡ್ತಿ : ರೀ ಈ ಸರಿ ಸಂಕ್ರಾಂತಿ ಹಬ್ಬಕ್ಕೆ ಹೇಣ್ಮಕ್ಕಳಿಗೆ ಅರಿಶಿಣ ಕುಂಕುಮದ ಜೊತೆ ಇನ್ನೇನು ಕೊಡಲಿ..

ಗಂಡ : ನನ್ ನಂಬರ್ ಕೋಡು😂😜😝😜
*********

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house.
However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. 
She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large
glass of milk He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?""You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness."
He said... "Then I thank you from my heart." 
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation.
When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. 
He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation
room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval.
He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught her attention on the side as she read these
words...... 
"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You,GOD, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."

*********

She : Am I looking fat?
He : Yes
She : *slaps*

She : Am I looking fat?
He : No
She : Liar

She : Am I looking fat?
He : Maybe
She : WTF

She : Am I looking fat?
He : I don't know
She : Are you blind?

She : Am I looking fat?
He : Depends
She : Oh you comparing me with some one else..

She : Am I looking fat?
He : *silence*
She : Are you deaf?

There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.

For everything else there is Google ...
😉

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Forwarding a good message:

After years of hard & dedicated service to his Company, Ajay was being appointed at  an elegant reception as the new Director. 

It was a small function where his wife Anita , a Home Executive & some of the wives of the other persons in top management were also present.
 
In an adjacent room, Ann, the wife of the CEO of the Company, asked Ajay's wife a very odd & usual question; "Does your  husband make you  happy?"
 
The husband, Ajay, who at that moment was not at her side, but was sufficiently near to hear the question, paid attention to the conversation, sitting up slightly, feeling secure, even filling his chest lightly in pride & hope,  would definitely not publically lower or degrade her husband, would answer affirmatively, since she had always been there for him during their marriage and generally in life. 

Nevertheless, to both his & the others' surprise, she replied simply; "No, no he doesn't make me happy…"

The room became uncomfortably silent, as if everyone were listening to the spouse's response. There was a sudden coldness in the air. The husband was petrified. A frown appeared on his face. 
He couldn't believe what his wife was saying, especially at such an important occasion for him. To the amazement of her husband & of everyone!
 
Anita sat up firmly & explained in a modest but stern tone to the other wives who were present; 
"No, he doesn't make me happy… I AM HAPPY. The fact that I am happy or not doesn't depend on him, but on me. GOD has granted each of us intellect & discretion to reason, interpret & decide. GOD made me the person upon which my happiness depends. 

I make the choice to be happy in each situation & in each moment of my life. 
If my happiness were to depend on other people, on other things or circumstances on the face of this earth, I would be in serious trouble! 

Over my life I have learned a couple of things: I decide to be happy & the rest is a matter of 'experiences or circumstances' like helping, understanding, accepting, listening, consoling & with my spouse, I have lived & practiced this many times. 

Honestly true happiness lies in being content"
 
Relieved & reassured, a smile was clearly noticed on Ajay's face.

Happiness will always be found in contentment, forgiveness & in loving ourselves & others. 
To truly love is difficult, it is to forgive unconditionally, to live, to take the "experiences or  circumstances" as they are, facing them together & being happy with conviction. 

There are those who say I cannot be happy  :
· Because I am sick.
· Because I have no money.
· Because it's too cold.
· Because they insulted me.
· Because someone stopped loving me.
· Because someone didn't appreciate me.
 
But what they don't know is that they can be happy even though sick, whether it is too hot, whether they have money or not, whether someone has insulted them, or someone didn't love or hasn't valued them.
 
Being Happy is an attitude about life & each one of us must decide!
 
Being Happy, depends on us!

It Depends on Me.
I fall. I rise. I make mistakes. I live. I learn. I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human. I'm not perfect but I'm Thankful.😊

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पति -तुम मेरी फिल्म में काम करोगी... 
पत्नी -हां करूंगी. क्या करना होगा? 
पति -कुछ नहीं बस नदी में जाकर खड़ी हो जाना... 
पत्नी-फिल्म का नाम क्या है?? 
पति - गई भैंस पानी  में .

Now rply..... 
पत्नी -तुम मेरी फिल्म में काम करोगे??? 
पति -हां. क्या करना है? 
पत्नी -बस घर जाना है फिर वापस यहीं नदी किनारे आना है. ऐसा दो तीन बार करना है... 
पति -ठीक है. पर फिल्म का नाम क्या है??? 
पत्नी -धोबी का कुत्ता न घर का न घाट का.

😷😂😂
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