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SMS Jokes , funny text shares , Humour , Witty quotes , Greetings - Part 23

The Greatest Mortal Fear!
SMS Jokes , funny text shares , Humour , Witty quotes , Greetings - Part 23

United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated.

The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy.

They re fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again.

Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out & said:

"Do anything you want - to me, but my wife is in the plane & you have to tell her ... where I was last night!"

Wives !!
==================================
One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class...

Professor : What kind of Wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Professor : Wow !!  what a choice....So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, no...

Professor : oh so u want her to be Round and white?
Johny: No, no...

Professor : Oh, so u want her to be Fair and Beautiful like d moon?
Johny: No, no...


I want her to be Exactly like MOON ....... Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning
==================================
"Sixth Sense"
Blind man in a Hotel...
Manager - Menu Sir ???
Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur
kitchen spoon, I'll Smell it & order.
Manager got a spoon
Blind Smelt & said "Yes, I'll have
garlic bread with season Potatoes...
"Unbelievable" said the manager...
Every week he came & was correct
each time.
Once manager wanted to trick him, He
went to the kitchen and told his wife
Maria "Rub this spoon on ur lips".
She rubs it on her lips and gives it to
her hubby...
Blind man smelt & said,"Oh ! My
God......!!
My classmate Maria also works here!!
Manager fainted !!!
==================================
fully-Nude lady gets into taxi,
Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

lady- haven't u ever seen a naked women??

Driver: not that, I'm just wondering where have u kept the money to pay me..

MORAL: Concentrate on ur Business, no matter what happens..

Be professional..!
==================================
पति (मरते समय अपनी बीवी से): अलमारी से तेरे सोने के गहने मैंने ही चोरी किए थे.

बीवी रोते हुए😭: कोई बात नहीं जी.

पति: तेरे भाई ने तुझे जो एक लाख रुपए दिए थे वह भी मैंने ही गायब किए थे.

पत्नी: 😭कोई बात नहीं मैंने आपको माफ किया.

पति: तेरे कीमती साड़ियां भी मैंने चोरी कर अपनी प्रेमिका को दे दिए थे.

पत्नी: 😭कोई बात नहीं जी, आप इतना मत सोचिये...आपको जहर मैंने ही दिया है..  .... आप आराम से जाइए...सब चुकता हो गया....
==================================
How to keep a wife happy . . . .!

It's really not difficult to make a wife happy.

A husband only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a saviour
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a charmer
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a bug exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

AND, WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

AND, VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favorite color
* her favorite flower
* her favorite gem
* her favorite fragrance
* her favorite memories
* her favorite holidays
* her favorite friends
* her favorite vacation destinations
* her favorite beverage
* her favorite food
* her favorite restaurant
* any arrangements she makes
---------------------
And Now,

HOW TO MAKE A HUSBAND HAPPY

Just leave him alone.....with his TV remote and mobile phone...and his favourite drink.....And he'll be just fine...
==================================
पत्नी ने रात को दो बजे नींद से उठाकर पति से पूछा,
‘बताना जरा 2003 वर्ल्ड कप में सचिन ने पाकिस्तान के खिलाफ कितने रन बनाए थे?’
पति : 98, पर पूछ क्यों रही हो?


पत्नी : आज मेरा बर्थडे था !

pathi started snoaring !!!
==================================

What is Maturity ?

Maturity is when you stop trying to change people, and instead focus on changing yourself.

Maturity is when you accept people for who they are.

Maturity is when you understand that everyone is right in their own perspective.

Maturity is when you learn to "let go".

Maturity is when you are able to drop "expectations" from a relationship and give for the sake of giving.

Maturity is when you understand that whatever you do, you do for your own peace.

Maturity is when you stop proving to the world how intelligent you are.

Maturity is when you focus on positives in people.

Maturity is when you do not seek approval from others.

Maturity is when you stop comparing yourself with others.

Maturity is when you are at peace with yourself.

Maturity is when you can differentiate between "need" and "want, and you can let go of your wants.

Maturity is when you stop attaching "happiness" to material things.

Be simple.. Be positive... Show Maturity!

===================================

Pls waste another 15 mins to read this - not a professional update but more important than that

Letter written by a wife after her husband's death in an accident
 

"Few things I learnt after my husband's death:-

We always believe we will live forever. Bad things always happen to others.

Only when things hit us bang on your head you realise... Life is so unpredictable....

My husband was an IT guy, All technical. And I am a chartered accountant.
Awesome combination you may think.

Techie guy so everything is on his laptop. His to do list. His e-bill and his bank statements in his email. He even maintained a folder which said IMPWDS wherein he stored all login id and passwords for all his online accounts. And even his laptop had a password. Techie guy so all the passwords were alpha-numeric with a special character not an easy one to crack. Office policy said passwords needed to be changed every 30 days. So every time I accessed his laptop I would realize it's a new password again. I would simply opt for asking him 'What's the latest password instead of taking the strain to memorize it.

You may think me being a Chartered Accountant would means everything is documented and filed properly. Alas many of my chartered accountant friends would agree that the precision we follow with our office documents and papers do not flow in to day to day home life. At office you have be epitome of Reliability / Competent / Diligent etc but. At home front there is always a tomorrow.

One fine morning my hubby expired in a bike accident on his way home from office.. He was just 33. His laptop with all his data crashed. Everything on his hard disk wiped off. No folder of IMPWDS to refer back to. His mobile with all the numbers on it was smashed. But that was just the beginning. I realised I had lot to learn.

9 years married to one of the best human beings with no kids just the two of us to fall back on but now I stood all alone and lost.

Being chartered accountant helped in more ways than one but it was not enough. I needed help. His saving bank accounts, his salary bank accounts had no nominee. On his insurance his mom was the nominee and it was almost 2 years back she had expired. But this was just a start. I didn't know the password to his email account where all his e-bill came. I didn't know which expenses he paid by standing instructions.

His office front too was not easy. His department had changed recently. I didn't know his reporting boss name to start with when had he last claimed his shift allowance, his mobile reimbursement.

The house we bought with all the excitement on a loan thought with our joint salary we could afford the EMI.  when the home loans guys suggested insurance on the loan, we decided the instead of paying the premium the difference in the EMI on account of the insurance could be used pay towards prepayment of the loan and get the tenure down. We never thought what we would do if we have to live on a single salary. So now there was huge EMI to look into .

I realised I was in for a long haul.

Road accident case. So everywhere I needed a Death certificate, FIR report, Post Mortem report. For everything there were forms running into pages indemnity bonds, notary, surety to stand up for you. No objections certificates from your co-heirs.

I learnt other than your house, your land, Your car, your bike are also your property. So what if you are the joint owner of the flat you don't become the owner just because your hubby is no more. So what if your hubby expired in the bike accident and you are the nominee but if the bike is in a repairable condition .you have to get the bike transferred in your name to claim the insurance. And that was again not easy. The bike or car cannot be transferred in your name without going through a set of legal documents. Getting a Succession Certificate is another battle all together.

Then came the time you realise now you have to start changing all the bills, assets in your name. Your gas connection, electricity meter, your own house, your car, your investments and all sundries. And then change all the nominations where your own investments are concerned. And again a start of a new set of paperwork.

To say I was shaken my whole life had just turned upside down was an understatement. You realise you don't have time to morn and grieve for the person with whom you spend the best years of your life. Because you are busy sorting all the paper work.

I realised then how much I took life for granted. I thought being a chartered accountant I am undergoing so many difficulties, what would have happened to someone who was house maker who wouldn't understand this legal hotchpotch.

A sweet friend then told me dear this was not an end, you have no kids, your assets will be for all who stand to claim. After my hubby's sudden death. I realised it was time I took life more seriously. I now needed to make a Will. I would have laughed if a few months back if he had asked me to make one. But now life had taken a twist.

Lessons learnt this hard way were meant to be shared. After all why should the people whom we love the most suffer after we are no more. Sorting some paperwork before we go will at least ease some of their grief.

1. Check all your nominations...
It's a usual practice to put a name (i.e in the first place if you have mentioned it) and royally forget about it. Most of us have named our parent as a nominee for investments, bank accounts opened before marriage. We have not changed the same even years after they are no longer there with us. Even your salary account usually has no nomination.. Kindly check all your Nominations.
- Bank Accounts
- Fixed Deposits, NSC
- Bank Lockers
- Demat Accounts
- Insurance (Life, Bike or Car or Property)
- Investments
- PF Pension Forms

2. Passwords..
We have passwords for practically everything. Email accounts, Bank accounts, even for the laptop you use. What happens when your next in kin cannot access any of these simply because they do not know your password... Put it down on a paper.

3. Investments.
Every year for tax purpose we do investments. Do we maintain a excel sheet about it. If so is it on the same laptop of which the password you had not shared. Where are those physical investments hard copy.

4. Will.
Make a Will. I know you will smile even I would had I not gone through all what I did. It would have made my life lot easier a lot less paperwork. I wouldn't had to provide an indemnity bond, get it notarised, ask surety to stand up, no objections certificates from others...

5. Liabilities.
When you take a loan say for your house or car. Check out on all the what if, what if I am not there tomorrow, what if I loose my job. Will the EMI still be within my range. If not get an insurance on the loan. The people left behind will not have to worry on something as basic as their own house.

My battles have just begun... But let us at least try and make few changes so that our loved ones would not suffer after we go. We do not know what will happen in the future. But as the Scout motto goes: Be prepared "

NEVER TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED DO THINGS APPROPRIATE FOR THE ONES WHO DEPEND ON YOU WITH LOVE.

NOTE: THIS IS A REAL INCIDENT AND NOT JUST A FORWARD


A request from www.FinancialEngineer.in to you,
Please read at least 3 times.we are spending lots of time on waste like TV serials, Movies etc. Please spare 15 Min. for your loved one.


Please forward to your friends and family.

Please share to maximum peoples.
Excellent message.

Family management is not only cooking + cleaning + taking care of the dependents but also involves complex operational knowledge of finances...
The above message is a must for every family and its success
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